Shout, shout, let it all out

These are the things I can do without
i made a major life choice on sunday.  i retired.
not from work - wow!  i wish!!
but from training.

this was tough for me, and i spent most of the day crying over it.  for real.  tears.  crying.  a lot of that was tears of fear.

what?
things have been weird for a while.  i've been struggling to get back up to decent training volumes and even though i have had a few PRs since my surgery, training just hasn't been as much fun.
1) i don't want to get in the water.  the swimming i have been doing has been going really well, which has been surprising.  but i simply just don't want to do it.  and i really don't want to get in a lake or be cold.
2) i don't want to ride my bike outside.  i 've done a few mountain bike rides since the beginning of the year and they have been fun, but my coach was wanting me to get out on the road bike.  yeah right.  its been so damn cold and raining.  this saturday i was supposed to ride for 3 hours.  i laid in bed until noon waiting for it to start raining so i could have an excuse to not go outside.  the rain never came.  so i told my self i would at least ride to Top Pot Donuts and then re-access the situation from there.  so i got to the TPD and they DID NOT HAVE my harvest squash bread.  disaster.  so i ate two donuts instead.  and headed out for the remaining 2:20 of the ride.  the ride was fine, i went up hollywood hill and around, had a head wind the whole way back on the sammamish river trail, and then had to face the mile long climb back up onto the plateau.  it couldn't have been done any sooner than it was.  i really didn't enjoy the ride AT ALL.  i wanted eric to come pick me up.  i just didn't want to do it.  and i really didn't want to do the hour long swim i was supposed to do on that same day.  so i didn't.
3) my body has been deteriorating over the past two years.  is it hormone issues because of radiation damage after surgery?  is it because i am getting dangerously close to turning 40? whatever it is, my weight, body fat % and surface area covered by cellulite has increase drammatically, and i honestly hate to see myself in a swim suit, my running clothes, my cycling shorts.  all of it depresses me every single workout.
4) the past month and 1/2, i've been to NYC and Chicago.  I've been to the ER twice.  I'm sick now. I've been tired.  i've been stressed out.  its been raining and cold.  i haven't been sleeping well.
5) i set a goal to try to get a boston qualifying marathon time in April.  But when you look at #3 & 4, none of that was adding up to a decent marathon let alone a BQ marathon.
6) i want to grow my hair back out but wearing a swim cap hurts my head.  anyone read #1 above?





so what turned into a heart to heart with myself over whether to do the marathon or not turned into a whether to keep training or not.  every time i miss a workout i stress over "why have a coach if i'm not going to do the workouts"  and maybe that money would be better spent elsewhere.  every time i came home 10 minutes before the kids went to bed, or even after they were already in bed, and on those days when i didn't see them at all because i had a swim in the morning and some other workout in the evening, i felt the guilt of letting these precious years of my children's childhood slip away.  why?  so i could pursue my dream of being a middle of the pack triathlete? dont' get my wrong, if i had huge amounts of money and didn't have to work, i am pretty sure i would spend the hours while the kids were at school pursuing this dream in the sun and warmth that only the super rich have access too.

so i broke up with my coach and threw in the towel.

so what is scary about that?  let me count the ways:
1) i have been a "triathlete" for the past 8 years.  2014 would have been my 9th season.  i don't really know what i am other than a "triathlete" runner" cyclist" mountain biker."  its sorta my thing.  i don't really have anything else to identify with.
2)  all of my friends are "athlete" friends.  now what.
3) will my boyfriend Dan Hugo still love me if i am fat and slow?
4) i have no goals
5) my ego.  sigh.  lets just leave it at that.
6) so many things are more fun when you are fit. i always liked the idea that i could go out and run for 10 miles and be ok.  or go on a strenuous hike and not be winded from going up hill for so long.  or having the confidence that when the zombie apocalypse happens, i will have the strength and endurance to take care of my family in a disaster situation if needed? 
7) what is going to happen to my body?  am i going to get even more blobby?  will the cellulite travel all the way down to my shins and forearms?  my clothes are already uncomfortable.  is it going to just get worse?
8) and then these past two years i have spent a lot of both physical energy and mental energy trying to prove that this stupid brain tumor situation is no big deal, that i am super human, that i can over come everything and anything.  but yeah, i'm starting to admit, that maybe i'm not so super human.  its too much.  its starting to catch up to me.

but there are some good things.
1) not swimming, although i do hope to do Swim for Life again
2) registering and racing Beat the Blerch race in September because i won't have to worry about it fitting in any plan or messing with any training schedule
3) i am volunteering on sunday at the first Washington High School Mountain Bike League race of the season!  not having to train on the weekend, means i can do fun things like this and not worry about it!
4) having my saturday's open to go to every one of seamus's lacrosse games!  it is her first year playing lacrosse and her first time playing an organized team sport!
5) i can take the kids mountain biking and enjoy it without worrying about how i will get my own workout in.
6) when i do run or bike, i can go with friends because i won't have to try to convince them to do my plan.  i can just go with the flow
7) maybe i will finally join a 24 hr mountain bike team?

8) i can volunteer for the brain tumor organization that i talked about in the previous post.
9) i can wear high heels and not have to worry that my legs might cramp or be too tired later in the day on my run because of them
10) i can spend this first month's non-coaching payment on jeans that fit my new plumper ass.
11) and because i can turn it up to 11,  i can go out to our property that we are buying every weekend and pick up rocks or just lounge and never have to worry about where or how i will get my training in.  i can just enjoy it.

so there are lots of things.  and who knows.  maybe once the weather gets nice i will be inspired and get a little fire under my ass.  i am registered for Age Group National Championships in August after all.  i'm not going to give up my spot just yet, but i'm not going to worry about it either.