today

i don't feel very well today.  i'm in a good enough mood, however, my head hurts. i was feeling not well last night - nauseated, and headache and all.  its hard not to figure out what is just not feeling well and what might be related to something tumor or radiation.  i knew that whatever sickness i had last week was definitely good old fashioned being sick.  it was almost pleasant to be so normal and so sure of what was going on!!!  last night and today though could be any number of things.  for one, i got up super early and went swimming before work.  then i worked an entire 8 hr day!  then i was up sorta late watching xfactor.  that could do it, right?  but i should have been able to sleep it off and feel better this morning. i might be dehydrated some, gotta work on that.  i thot my hairs were done falling out, but it seems that maybe they still are.  when they first started falling out, i only got a few clumps.  then the rest have been just falling out one or two or 10 at a time.  i didn't have any alarming piles of hair on my pillow or anything like that.  i would just notice while shampooing that id have a few hairs on my hands.  i think getting the hairs cut short was a wise decision as it really did almost just fall out without me even noticing too much.  but i am still finding them in the sink, on my desk, wherever.
GOOD NEWS!  the shit taste seems to be dissipating!  that was quick.  the smell is still around some, but not as bad, but the taste seems to be getting better.  one thing that has helped is that my mouth has gotten better.  something happened to my mouth - it was terrible!  my gums got all swollen and nasty and super painful - ewww, gingivitis?  never had it, but that must have been what it was.  radiation related?  who knows?  but it seems to be getting better now, too.  thank goodness because it did not feel good at all.  was getting ready to go to the dentist over that one!
i am kind of a habit like person.  i would like to keep to a schedule if possible, know when i am supposed to be somewhere, for how long, what is coming next, etc.  i don't NEED this to be able to function, but some order is good.  kind of why i work with a coach.  makes it so i don't have to think.  i can just do.  except days when i have a track workout and have to find a track and then it totally overwhelms me, especially when school at one of the local HS has been canceled due to shooting threats by a student!!!  AAAKK!  but i bring this up because i have a bed time ritual.  it used to be, brush my teeth, wash my face, go to sleep.
now it is a big ordeal and its really annoying.
brush my teeth
wash my face
use the 283974270386 anti aging, anti zit, make me beautiful creams and lotions and wait for each to do their magic before applying the next
go to the bathroom
roll around on the foam roller (always my back, sometimes my left hip and quad)
get in bed.
lay on right side.
roll over and lay on left side.
roll over again.
fall asleep for like 5 minutes.
wake up
lay there and think that my feet are hurting
stress about being awake and being afraid i wont be able to fall asleep unless i finish the ritual...
surrender to the ritual
go to the bathroom again
take an Aleve
go directly to sleep for the rest of the night.

is that bad?  i have tried to skip the foam rolling, not good.
i have tried to just take the aleve before getting into bed the first time, it doesn't work. and the last part of it isn't so bad, its just the getting out of bed again and i don't want to take aleve all the time.  and i don't know what the deal is with the feet.  they have hurt at night time since high school.  no one seems to know why or think its a problem. 
there are worse things.

 but oh i have been having some weird and vivid dreams.  not the terrible disturbing ones when i first started radiation, but just vivid and weird.  stress related, maybe?

nothing else going on, just looking forward to getting in some napping today and then tomorrow will be the 3rd full day of work for this week.  Success!  assuming this headache goes away!

shirt with out the r

everything tastes like shit. sorry, not a family friendly word, and it will be repeated often here, as it is pretty much the only way to describe the weird, wet, paper nastiness that is everything right now.

I have been experimenting trying to find not shitty things.  below are the results of my experimenting:

 lots of shit in there.  i do have to stay away from the frosted flakes though.  holy cow those could get me in trouble in this current state if i'm not careful. 

I talked to a woman today who suggested staying away from all my favorite foods for a while do as to not ruin them forever. 

the end, or the beginning

last week was a big week!  lots happened, actually.  labor day!  hooray!!  had the day off from work and radiation!  good fun!
then tuesday WAS my last day of radiation!  hooray for REALS!!!  my mom and janet came with me.  they were able to take a tour of the room and the machine and they got to meet all the people.  those people are SO nice.  every day they were cheerful, always asking how i was doing, helping me figure out my hair situation and all my aches and pains.  but they were so nice that even when i went there and was super exhausted and grumpy and feeling like total ass, as soon as they asked me how i was each day, i would smile and be like, oh, i am good!  but that was because they were the best part of this whole radiation thing!


THEN!  on wednesday was the first day of school - big time 1st grader and 3rd grader on their way!  something about taking sirus to his first day of 1st grade was so much harder then kindergarten.  he looked so grown up, and lined up with all the kids instead of being dropped off at the kindergarten entrance.  and seamus with her sparkly tom's shoes, she continues to blow me away with how grown up she is, how caring, and incredibly smart she is!  oh, its hard watching them grow up!!  but at least i get to see them grow up!!

on saturday janet and i did the lake stevens sprint tri.  it was SO fun!  the day was beautiful, the water was warm (but gross), the bike route was rolling and mellow and the run was a long the lake.  what more could i have asked for!  we raced side by side, except the swim where she had to wait for me at the end of the swim before entering T1, but the rest of it we were pedal for pedal and pace for pace.  so fun!
after i took a nap, duh, of course!!  and then we went out to the Pom bar at the Pomegranate bistro to celebrate the end of radiation with all the amazing people in my life!  i was so touched that so many friends came out, some whom i haven't seen in several years or more, and it was so amazing to give and receive those hugs and laughs!  i am so lucky in so many ways! 
the next morning however, boy was i tired!  i slept in, took a nap and then we headed to the cyclocross race.  the kids did their first cyclocross race ever which is super fun becuase they are getting stronger and are better cyclists.  they have fun, too.  next time, we are looking at signing seamus up for the next level up - 2 complete laps, racing at the same time as the adult super beginners!  but then ohmygosh, we came home and i slept some more!  i bailed on my run, there was NO way i was getting out there.
NOW i am having some radiation symptons, even though radiation is over.  dude, everything smells the same.  a little like wet paper i guess.  its not a terrible smell, its just not that good.  and its everywhere!  its as though its oozing out of my skin even.  gross.  not thrilled.  allegedly it should go back to normal in a bit but since it happened after radiation is over i wasn't able to tell the doctors.  i'll tell them at my follow up, oct 5.  the other thing i have noticed and i am totally bummed about it, is that almond butter tastes terrible.  like terrible dirt.  ugh, its disgusting.  i used to love it!  looooove it!  now its gross and it bums be out.  there are worse things out there then smelling wet paper and almond butter tasting like dirt, but yuck.
so now though i have a sore throat.  i probably over did it this weekend and then tuesday and today.  waaah!  but i'll get over it.  what does tomorrow hold?  hopefully a nap or two.  :) and hopefully not any almond butter! 

it was real

first day of 1st and 3rd grade

bathroom before

ugh, more bathroom before

lego creation

big fun celebrating no more radiation

very first cyclocross race!

a little spill in the first race, but didn't stop

chillin' after the race

Update!!!

i tried on the new boots today with different pants and yes, they are just as amazing as i thought they were at the store.  super excited.  hooray! still fat, but at least my faith in my boots has returned.

sigh...

its been a rough few days.
yes, i have been resting, i have been taking it easy. i have been trying to get better, to get over this throat and ear thing, but its been hard.  i went to work the three days i was supposed to but i slept a lot too.
yesterday i even slept until 3:30pm.  ugh.  so lame. we walked the mile to the bike shop yesterday so sirus could change their calendar over, but had to have eric come pick us up.  can't even say i've been sitting on my ass because i haven't.  i have been laying down, asleep!

today i took the kids out for a busy day.  first we went to the gym.  i was supposed to do a run, an hour.  but since i had been asleep all week rather then doing anything active, i instead did 50 minutes of walking and running at a very easy pace.  i didn't want to over do anything, for fear i would wind up sick again or whatever. after i laid on the mat, did some stretches and unfortunatly thought about the image i saw earlier when i looked in the mirror.  and i started to cry, right there at the gym.  not just a tear rolling down,  but full on cry.
i have gone through "i'm fat" stages before.  but i wasn't actually fat.  i mean, really, at 13% body fat, you aren't fat.  now it is very different.  i am not 13%, not even close.  i can't even imagine what 13% is actually like.  13% is a number, just like the number on the scale, but what i see in the mirror makes me cry.  people can tell me until they are blue in the face that there are plenty of women who would love to have my physique, but you know what, i'm not one of them. i knew part of the reason i trained as much as i did was because of how it made me look, but i didn't realize quite how much of my athletic self worth is based on my appearance.  so i went and got in the shower at the gym and cried in there, its a little more discrete.  but then i had to stop crying because i thot maybe i would feel better if i shaved my legs as its been like 3 weeks and i was a harry beast and i needed to be able to see to do that, so i had to stop crying.
then i loaded up the kids and we headed out.
we went to the cougar mountain zoo. we haven't ever been there before and it was pretty fun.  and BOY did we have some excitement there!  we were watching the tigers and they got all in a tiger fight!!  there are 4 boy tigers and they are separated into groups of 2 because they don't all get along.  we got to witness them taunting each other through some of the bars.  lots of roaring!!  and swatting at each other.  and pacing.  it was so exciting that the zoo keeper came by to tell us all what was going on.  she basically said they were just re-emphasizing why they all won't ever be together in one enclosure. make sure to turn up the volume to get the full effect of the video!

the kids were not fans of all the roaring.  it was loud!  i was amazed.  and wow, those tigers are huge.  the one orange one came right up to the fence by us, just a few feet away.  it was exciting! and scary since we were in the "warning - tigers can spray up to 20 ft, stand here at your own risk!" zone. 
after, we went into seattle to drop some stuff off and then went to northgate mall.  it has been like a billion years since we have been there.  managed to get seamus some tom's shoes.  she has been asking for them forever and i can't deny my baby girl a pair of hot pink glitter shoes. our sales guy was awesome.  he was a total combo of Team Jacob and a member of a teeny bopper boy band.  i wanted to hug him and bring him home with us- SO CUTE!!!
then we went to UVillage.  while at northgate i did some very brave things - i tried on clothes.  in my obese state, that is dangerous.  the one benefit of it being fat and not muscle is that i can squish it to where ever i might want it.  not everything looks great, but i managed to find a few things.  but one jacket wasnt the right size and i had to go to uvllage to get it.  again, hadn't been to uvillage in forever.  we drove by the old house on the way there and i got all sentimental. i loved that little house!  so sunny and warm! ok, hot.  but i did love it.  i got my jacket and a shirt i need to return or lose 20 pounds to wear and a shirt for eric.
but i also got the boots!!  i totally splurged on these boots.  SPLURGE.  they are my surviving radiation reward.  although i still have one more day, and i already told xtie that if i don't survive that one last day i will her the boots.  i was so excited!!  i instantly felt better and less fat.  i was 100% sure that these boots were THE boots i have been wishing for!!
when i got home however, and tried them on with something other then shorts and pink tube socks, i still love them, but they aren't quite as awesome as i had thought.  it could have been the pants i tried them on with.  the pants are extra snug right now.  sigh.... so i may have been concentrating too much on their uncomfortable snugness.  ok and i thought they were black but they are actually dark brown.  i will keep them.  they are awesome.  i will quit looking for boots. for now.

boots of the pretty bad ass persuasion

sirus took his head off!

teeny tiny brother!!

teeny tiny sister!!

it's all fun and games until someone gets mauled by a bear

at the zoo with the macaw

someone had low blood sugar and needed a snack!