radiation station part deux

someone posted this video of what its like to get radiation on your brains.

the machine i had was a little different and i wore a shirt (yikes!) so it was a little different, but definitely similar.

its hard for some people

now that i am no longer on Team LUNA Chix, I have been wondering what I will do with my copious free time.  so i have decided to start volunteering for an organization that helps people with brain tumors and their families in all kinds of ways.  they help them with everythign from finding the right doctors, figuring out their finances, researching treatment options, etc.  they do all kinds of good work.  i figured, what they hey, i'll see what i can do for them.

in my volunteer interview they asked for my resume and then started going through a list of projects they would like help with.  she was trying to pick out the exciting and interesting projects and i stopped her right there.  i was like, whoa there honey!  i think all day long at work.  give me something easy!  sign me up for the monotonous stuff that none of you want to do but need to get done.

so today was my first day and my first job was to make copies!  this was all very exciting until she asked me how proficient i was with a copier.  what?  WHAT?  ugh.  i am so not proficient with a copier!!  i had to push this button and that button, select color, select one to two sided, select two to two sided, black and white, click 1, 8 copies of that, 9 of that, click save, click enter, scan, flip, scan, print!  omg, don't forget to add the staple!!  i had to have her run me through it like 5 times, at which time i almost told her about my first job in seattle after college when i worked at the limited and could not FOR THE LIFE OF ME figure out the cash register!!  they put me at the register because i wasn't friendly enough to be out on the floor, but for some reason it was so complicated!  it was not intuitive at all.  there i was with my rediculously expensive fancy east coast college degree and i had an 18 yr old telling me "it's ok, its hard for some people." AND IT WAS HARD FOR ME!!!  after a few weeks they put me "on call" and then never called me.

luckily, after about the 4th time through how to use the copier, and me saying oh dear, yikes, and oh no a bunch of times, she did kind of joke - oh i hope this isn't hurting your brain tumor!, but omg, i was fighting back the PTSD of the Limited nightmare of 1996!!

but i copied and collated for an hour, only messing up twice!!  then i stuffed envelopes, and shredded documents.  yeah, that went well until i broke the shredder mid-shred.  it just stopped.  it wasn't jammed, i told her i think maybe it was over heated.  i had already emptied the shreds twice and made a mess all over the office, so i asked if there was a vacuum and went ahead and vacuumed the whole office.

and then i left.  and i will be back next week!!

when the going gets tough

id like to post some photos, but the bloggers are being troublesome with that.

in other news....

my health.  oh where should we start?  i have been on medication for a long time for the OCD and the anxiety.  good stuff right?  yes, it is, but it makes me fat.  ok, the ice cream and other crap helps, but the medications, while helping me to be a normal, contributing member of society, also make me fat.

i have finally convinced my doctor to switch the medications.  this involved a 6 week ramp down of the medication i was on with a corresponding 6 week ramp of of the new medication.  all happening at the same time.

the first week of taking both i felt awesome!!  i felt pretty good the entire time actually.  but when i was in NY for the SUPER BOWL, right when i came back was when i was totally off the old and only on the new and the drama began.  it started with a weird sensation in my hands.  like i was getting a mild electrocution.  not a big deal, only mildly concerning.  after a few days i emailed my doctor.  she said that could be normal.  after a few more days of this, i went for an hour swim and then an hour run on the treadmill at the gym.  the entire time i was having these electrocutions and by then they had moved from just my hands, to my face, head, upper torso and lower legs.  other than the weird sensation, i felt fine while running.  but after - not so fine.  i got in the shower, but then i was that naked lady sitting on the bench with her head between her knees trying to not pass out.  i texted eric saying i was going to be late coming home because there was no way i could drive in my current state.  i rested and relaxed and felt like ass.  i eventually managed to get dressed and managed to buy a $4 odwalla juice from the front desk.  i felt like crap.

friday i took it easy and then saturday went on another run... 9 miles with eric and sirus on his bike.  it went really well and i felt great, so after we decided to go out about the town.  seamus was off with grandma for a fancy birthday weekend at the fairmont hotel !! so it was just the three of us.  while we were out though, i got really sick.  i had to ask eric to take me home.  i was super dizzy, the room was spinning and i was going to puke... so i laid in bed for i don't know how long when i decided that my bring tumor came back and i just started to freak out.  so i called the neuroscience institute and my endocrinologist called me back.  she said that although she could not guarantee that my tumor did not come back, she said it was highly un likely that the symptoms i was having were mostly likely from the change in medication and that i should just wait it out a bit.  i should be ok, but she told me to lay off the exercising since that seemed to make it worse. she also wanted to have my thyroid levels checked.  so it did.  and i cried and was super frustrated and a big mess.air
tuesday i went to chicago for work.   air travel was interesting though, and i managed to get sick in the taxi, so sick that i had to ask the driver to pull over on the side of the freeway during rush hour.  i came home wednesday.

 i was just getting worse and worse, more dizzy, more intense electrical shocks, more spinning.  so thursday i felt like such terrible crap that i came home from work early and asked eric to take me to the ER.  they didn't do too much, took some more blood, basically agreed with what everyone else said.  told me to stop taking the new medicine and start taking the old medicine again and sent my nauseated spinning ass home, but not before i managed to grab a handful of the best barf bags ever.

and wow, the switch in medication did the trick.  friday i was feeling better, saturday i felt totally back to normal.  no spinning, no dizzy, no nausea, no shocks.  i was able to sleep at night, i felt fine after running.  it was awesome!!!  yahoo!!  i was getting back to normal after almost 3 weeks of feeling terrible!!

this week, with a newly restored outlook, i was getting ready to go to LA for work on thursday.  but then, wednesday around 3pm my stomach started to hurt.  i was like ugh, super uncomfortable.  thought my pants were too tight.  that has been an issue in the past - too tight, give me a headache, have to change my pants in order to get through the day.  but it was late in the day already, i could power through it.  but i did leave a little early and went home, but not without first unbuttoning my pants in the car.  gah!  it wasn't helping!!

so i got home and crawled in bed.  i took an aleeve and asked eric to start researching menstrual cramps.  he brought me a hot water bottle and i used my Super Bowl hand warmers on my belly.  i took a hot shower,  none of it was working, just getting worse and i was going to puke every time i stood up!

so i called the nurse hotline and they said come on in!  so we called up mattiecakes and thankfully he was able to come over and watch the kids.  they were already in bed, so it wasn't tough for him, but we were awfully appreciative.  and then back to Issaquah.  i grabbed another barf bag on the way in!  the nurse was one i had before back in 2012, the lady giving the IV was awesome, she did a great job, didn't hurt a bit!  and the doctor was one I hadn't ever had before.   he was very funny and reminded me of Chow from The Hangover (you know the actor who plays chow is a doctor right?  for real!).  he ordered a CT scan, they asked me lots of questions, they made me drink this terrible lidocaine sludge.  (just read that lidocaine is flammable!) but i have never in my life been reverted back to being 3 years old - NO! NO! NO!  I won't do it!  You can't make me!!  CRY CRY CRY!!  ok, not really but that is what i was on the verge of while i was trying to take it down.  i asked for some water to wash it down with and she said no - it needed to make its way down slowly so it would numb everything.  oh it was horrible!!!  after i drank it, she came back like 5 minutes later and asked why i still had that look on my face!  because not only was the horrible taste and sludge still sliding down my throat but now my mouth was all numb, too!  anyway, it made me feel better. 

the ct scan came back ok, although i have an enlarged appendix!  not sure what that means, but have to be on the lookout for future abdominal pain - could be an appendicitis waiting to happen.  or not.  i've been on the verge of an appendicitis since i was 9.  maybe one of these days!

but they think its probably just gastritis due to my over use of Aleeve.  nice. 

so i missed out on the work trip to LA (and team building indoor skydiving!) i missed a day at work but managed to work friday from home.  i missed yet MORE workouts. 

but i don't have heart disease, i don't have a tumor reccurrance, i don't have thyroid issues (quite yet), i don't have an appendicitis (at the moment).

did i mention that it was like 60 degrees and sunny on friday!!!  it was like SUMMER!!

what nightmares are made of

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/27/baby-brain-tumor-teeth_n_4866624.html

holy crap!!  not ok!  not ok at all!!

By Rachael Rettner, Senior Writer
Published: 02/26/2014 05:07 PM EST on LiveScience
A 4-month-old infant in Maryland may be the first person to have had teeth form in his brain as a result of a specific type of rare brain tumor, according to a new report of the case.
The boy is doing well now that his tumor has been removed, and doctors say the case sheds light on how these rare tumors develop.
Doctors first suspected something might be wrong when the child's head appeared to be growing faster than is typical for children his age. A brain scan revealed a tumor containing structures that looked very similar to teeth normally found in the lower jaw.
The child underwent brain surgery to have the tumor removed, during which doctors found that the tumor contained several fully formed teeth, according to the report. [14 Oddest Medical Cases]
After an analysis of tumor tissue, doctors determined the child had a craniopharyngioma, (for those keeping score - this is the same tumor i had!!) a rare brain tumor that can grow to be larger than a golf ball, but does not spread.
Researchers had always suspected that these tumors form from the same cells involved in making teeth, but until now, doctors had never seen actual teeth in these tumors, said Dr. Narlin Beaty, a neurosurgeon at the University of Maryland Medical Center, who performed the boy's surgery along with his colleague, Dr. Edward Ahn, of Johns Hopkins Children's Center.
"It's not every day you see teeth in any type of tumor in the brain. In a craniopharyngioma, it's unheard of," Beaty said.
Craniopharyngiomas commonly contain calcium deposits, "but when we pulled out a full tooth...I think that’s something slightly different," Beaty told Live Science.
Teeth have been found in people's brains before, but only in tumors known as teratomas, which are unique among tumors because they contain all three of the tissue types found in an early-stage human embryo, Beaty said. In contrast, craniopharyngiomas have only one layer of tissue.
The boy's case provides more evidence that craniopharyngiomas do indeed develop from the cells that make teeth, Beaty said.
These tumors are most often diagnosed in children ages 5 to 14, and are rare in children younger than 2, according to the National Cancer Institute.
The boy is progressing well in his development, the researchers said. However, because craniopharyngiomas are tumors of the pituitary gland — a gland in the brain that releases many important hormones — they often cause hormone problems.
In the boy's case, the tumor destroyed the normal connections in the brain that would allow certain hormones to be released, Beaty said, so he will need to receive hormone treatments for the rest of his life to replace these hormones, Beaty said.
"He's doing extremely well, all things considered," Beaty said. "This was a big tumor right in the center of his brain. Before the modern surgical era this child would not have survived," Beaty said.
The teeth were sent to a pathologist for further study, Beaty said, and generally, these types of tissue samples are saved for many years in case more investigation is needed.
The report is published in the Feb. 27 issue of the New England Journal of Medicine.
Follow Rachael Rettner @RachaelRettner. Follow Live Science @livescience, Facebook & Google+. Original article on Live Science.

carpe diem

 i went to NY for work at the end of january.  i haven't been to NYC in a long time, like i think maybe since 2009?  so I was kind of looking forward to it.  i was getting there on wednesday and then flying home on friday.  and i was doing some training with our NY team in between.  while i was there, NJ was getting ready to host the Super Bowl.  NY kind of hijacked the whole thing and pretended like the Super Bowl was happening there instead, but really it was in NJ.  regardless, the seahawks were going to play and seattle was going NUTs over it.  i had even fallen victim to the bandwagon and almost bought a 12th man jersey since we were celebrating our 12 year anniversary during all of the play off games.  i decided that was a little excessive, so instead i got a running shirt.
  so i was pretty excited when we got into NYC and saw things like the empire state building being lit up in seahawks colors and these crazy seahawks colored dunkin donuts.  i didn't get around to eating it, but i did enjoy my favorite blueberry cake donut!!

 on that first night there i got to see jen.  i love jen.  she is awesome.  she was tired, i was tired, we all felt like crap, so she obliged and took me to the pro shop happening at macy's and then we just had some dinner at the macy's cafe.  we both had THE saltiest potpies imaginable.  like, salt with a side of potpie.  gross, but we powered through it joking the whole time how we were going to be so puffy in the morning that our eyes would be swollen shut.

this is the entry to the office building.  i decided when i am a bazillionaire, that this is what my hallway will look like, complete with that statue.

they had these funny hollowed out football players all through time square.  you climb up inside of them and pretend like you are the football player.  they were totally sketchy and i swore it was going to fall down but it didn't  at least not with me in it.

we spent thursday evening in time square and managed to get ourselves on TV back in seattle.  i texted eric a few minutes before and told him to turn on channel 4 news at 6pm.  he responded right away asking what i did now.  sure enough, he and the kids got to watch my television debut as i did the robot directly behind the sports guy.  then the above photo was in the seattle PI newspaper. we were famous!  for like a second!  but really i was just loving the excitement of it all!

i didn't pull it

 like i said earlier, i was coming home on friday. however, when i got off the plane on wednesday night, i started thinking... one of the girls i was traveling with was staying the weekend with her sister and was going to the game.  when i got off the plan i texted allie, who had tried her darndest to help me get tickets to one of the playoff games in seattle, even tho she is in north carolina, asking her to help me see what it would take to get my return ticket changed to monday.  apparently it would take me like $500, so that was that.  i wasn't disappointed, it just wasn't meant to be.
until thursday when i wondered aloud if i might be able to use miles to get a return ticket.  sho 'nuffs there was one available!  i was quite surprised, but with eric's blessing,  i took it and canceled my original flight home.  then i told my boss i was staying and next thing you know i was now committed to going to the super bowl. except i didn't have a ticket yet.

this cat slept in my bed with me on friday night. 

 after work on friday i had to get to where it is that doug lives.  brooklyn i think?  he told me to take the subway and i said that was the most terrifying thing anyone had ever said to me.  but he gave me good directions and my co-worker liz got me headed in the right direction in the subway station and i was off to it.  i had a train change but doug was there when i got off the train and i made it all in one piece!  it wasn't scary at all.  i wasn't afraid of getting lost, just afraid of scary people.  doug said i would see people who seemed scary but really they aren't. i hung at dug's for a bit with him, his two kids and his lovely wife!  i hadnt seen doug in like 6 years maybe?  maybe 7?  i don't know.  it had been a really long time.  so it was fun to see him!  but then we piled into their car and drove to Liz's!  different liz than who helped me find my way on the train, but LIZ liz. i haven't ever been to her house, and although we tried to go see her when she lived in toronto in 2007, we never did. i knew that liz was pretty awesome, but everything about her place is amazing.  there are so many things to look at there, each one more amazing then the next.  i could have spent days just checking it all out.  alas, i did not have days, but she made us all an amazing dinner and we hung out and chatted and then despite grand plans for in the morning, we just hung out some more.  it was fab.
then i got on the subway to go to harlem.  yikes!  turns out that wasn't scary either!!

sirus showed his seahawk spirit with some art at school.

the tickets were purchased from a reseller on friday and picked up on saturday.  there was that ever present concern of "are they real?" super extravagant?  yes.  once in a life time opportunity? yes.  epitome of carpe diem? most definitely! 

saturday, aly, blair, raul and i went out to dinner.  we had to take the train i think.  there were lots of discussions as to why it was called a train and not a subway.  its a subway.  its not a train.  it goes above ground but it does not go choochoo.  we went to a pizza place and had some fancy pizza.  i went to use the bathroom.  the resaurant had a tiny one person bathroom.  i flushed and the water started to rise.  and rise.  and rise!  and then spill over the edges and onto the floor!  i panicked, fumbled with the lock and ran to host and told him what was going on!  then i went back to the table, told them the story and realized i had not washed my hands!!  luckily we were done with dinner, and i suggested we get outta there ASAP.
as we were walking, we came accross this banksy!  it is my 2nd banksy out in the wild! my first was in iceland and was not covered in protective plastic. 

but we eventually made it back to harlem.  i don't want to go into it too much, but let's just say there was a moment of sheer panic when we were packing up all of our stuff getting ready to make a run for it, but then all was well again in the world.  we narrowly escaped spending the night in the dorms at columbia, which would have been fun in its own way, but then we played candy crush for a while and all the girls squashed into one bed and passed out.
in the morning we went up towards columbia for bagels.  i had to ask raul if columbia was one of the ivy league schools.  i knew it was fancy, but i wasn't sure. but then a couple of these guys walked into the bagel place so i had to ask.

i did a google image search of "ivy league hair" but wasn't able to find what i was looking for, so i changed the search to "ivy league douche" and voila!! 

we started our trek across central park and saw this building.  i mistakenly told the young people that it was from Ghost Busters.  Gah!  How could i be so wrong!!

but we did walk right by this iconic television location and i made them all pose for a photo!

we made it to our destination - this bar.  i can't remember the name, but they were hosting a seattle based viewing party later in the day.  they have seattle sports viewing parties all the time i guess. so we stopped in and hung out with some other seahawks fans.  while we were sitting there, despite lots of talking and loud music i heard this bang, bang, bang.  i was just like what is that?  then i heard it again.  and again.  i turned and looked towards the back of the room and i could see a door back there that was bouncing out every time there was a bang.  there was a padlock on the door, so i jumped up, went to the bartender and told him someone was locked in the basement!!  he unlocked the door and an old man came running out, over to the bar and then back down. 

and then finally it was time!  it was TIME to get going to the game!!  we took the train, well, many trains.  and then got to penn station.  while standing in line waiting to get our tickets (which because of the crowds, we actually didn't really need), we ran into a guy who used to work at our company!  he only worked there for a few months, but was also recently diagnosed with a brain tumor.  crazy!  he didn't know who i was, but i introduced myself anyway.

this is the train to Secaucus, NY where we would get on another train like think that would take us to the stadium. 

it was sort of a cluster trying to get there.  they had people moving quite quicikly through penn station and getting onto those first trains quite quickly, but then we got smashed into a standstill waiting for the shuttles to the stadium.  it wasn't the worst, but just kind of meh.  it was a little scary to see the occasional police dude with a full on machine gun and then the hum-vs and other military vehicles along the sides of the rail way on the way in.  and then the one dude in the parking lot who was mooning us as we went by.  that was good too.

when we walked into the stadium, i gasped!  i was pretty sure our seats were WAY WAY up high and we wouldn't see a thing, but i was overwhelmed with excitement when i saw how awesome the whole thing was!!

team intros!!

these giant things flew over head.  the reminded me of the grasshoppers in the movie bugs life. that was a good movie. 

queen latifa sang america the beautiful and then an opera singer sang the national anthem which made it quite difficult to sing along, too.  then the kick off!!
i had to pee so badly, so i ran to the bathroom and when i got back i discovered that the seahawks had already scored!!  what the hell!!  how did i miss that??

bruno mars performed at half time, with red hot chili peppers for one song.  super excited to see that!!

again, i had to pee like a mo-fo, and my phone battery was dying, so as soon as the 2nd half started, i ran to the bathroom again.  while i was in there, the seahawks scored again!!  how is that even possible?  i missed the two best plays of the game!!!

eventually the seahawks won - by a ton!!!  it was such a brutal game that the bronco fans were leaving early.

which was kind of smart of them it turned out!  after the presentation of the MVP and the lombardi trophy, they got on the loud speaker and suggested that everyone stay in the stadium because of the congestion trying to get on the trains.  we stood in line for hours.  ok, it wasn't really a line.  it was a huge mass of people.  a huge mass of amazingly docile people.  all standing in the sorta cold, sorta rain.  my favorite part of the whole thing was looking at aly and seeing that she had her bright green jacket zipped all the way up, her hood up and yer eyes and nose peaking over the edge of her coat!  apparently because the first few trains were so jam packed and warm, people were fainting and they had to get them out.  but once the lines started moving, they moved quickly and we eventually made it back to harlem and into bed at like 2:30 or so.

woke up at 4am to snow!!! 

used a super fun app called HailO to summon a taxi, which is awesome for me because i don't like to talk on the phone.  and then made it to Newark with plenty of time to spare.

while i was sitting at the gate, a guy walked in carrying this big white box that said Live Animals on the side. i of course asked what was in there and he said it was Taima.  I was all intrigued wondering what kind of exotic animal at Taima was, but it turned out a Taima wasn't a what, but a who!  Taima the Hawk, as in the augur hawk that leads out the seahawks at every home game, flew out to NJ (on a plane!) and just like the rest of us, were headed back to washington after an exciting weekend!

and then THIS happened!!  since we were the first flight back from the NY area after the game, the airline staged this hero's welcome!  it was a surprise and pretty crazy to get off the plane to all of that excitement. 

i didn't take the photo, and can't remember where i found it, but an estimated 850,000 people flooded into Seattle on Wednesday for the celebratory parade for the Seahawks!  it was like 2 degrees, and something like 25% of the kids and teachers in King County were absent from school that day! 

AND THEN DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED???  SEAMUS TURNED 10!!  holy crap!!  how in the world!! 

the kids and eric made this crazy colored caked!  it was pretty and tasty, too!!

for the weekend, seamus had three of her friends come over for a slumber party.  three girls, none of whom knew each other, and they all got along swimmingly!  when they first got there, i had them bake a birthday cake from scratch.  then we bundled up and walked down to Mod Pizza.  On the way back it started to snow!!  We had cake and opened presents. As party favors the girls each got fuzzy socks, plaid flannel pajama pants and a pink long sleeve shirt with their name and a giant 10 on the back!  they all put them on, turned on the disco light, watched movies, told stories and who knows what.  i fell asleep around 10, but around 12 eric told them to settle down and he turned out the lights.  not sure when they woke up, but when they did eric made them cinnamon roll french toast for breakfast. they each decorated a picture frame and since it has snowed a bunch over the night, we bundled them up in all the snow gear we could find and sent them outside for a few hours!!  while they were playing i printed a photo of the four of them from the morning and put it in their picture frame to take home.  i'd say it was a pretty successful party!  way to be 10 seamus!  love you lots!!

sad things and happy times

our 2013 xmas card

 today is the day after xmas.  we had a really nice xmas!  the kids were a treat, as always, and they liked their presents.  sirus received a ton of legos and nano-big things.  seamus wound up with 40 different kits to make differenty types of bracelets.  i am hoping she will make a few for me!  her big gift from santa was a pair of stilts.  she was super surprised and was a little afraid of them at first.  but once she practiced some she was trekking all over the house on them.  they are set on the lowest level so she has plenty of inches to grow!  AND her wish from santa came true!  when we went to go visit with santa she had asked that her big front tooth came in.  and sure enough on xmas eve, it just started coming in!  it is peeping out!  she had her surgery on the 9th, and the little chain is attached to that tooth and it is starting to work!  she was very excited and it seems as though santa was able to work something out with the tooth fairy afterall!
eric got me a scale...  ok ok, i asked for the scale, so he wasn't being mean, but my mom did get my a hair removal kit.  what?  i didn't ask for that!  what was she implying?  turns out it was a free gift with purchase thing that she got as part of something else and not a comment about my personal grooming.  later in the day, xtie and her bf and his little boy came over for dinner. it was fun to spend time with them all, and we brought out all of the fancy china and it was the one meal of the year that i contribute to, making homemade apple sauce and cranberry relish.  eric cooked up a turkey and grandma brought over some icelandic bread that she made, some icelandic butter and some icelandic skyr pie/cake thing.  it was a fabulous and fun day and evening!

 

all of the xmas goodness was welcome after the rough xmas eve we had.  we got up as normal, we started our day as normal, which meant i stayed in bed longer than anyone else.  i tried sleeping, but nadj was there in my face, purring and trying to get me to pet her.  so i lifted up the covers and she crawled in and cuddled and we slept for another hour.  then it was really time to get up.
we packed everyone up and headed to the gym.  eric and i did some gym stuff, i spent 20 minutes with a giant grin on my face while watching elf in the cinema room while on the elliptical.  love that movie!!  then we lifted some weights.  we did some of this and some of that and just took our time.  then i loaded up the kids into the car and we headed to starbucks for some hot chocolate and eric ran home.
at home, we got into the house and i went up to our bedroom to put some stuff away and then, that is when it all happened.  seamus mccat was on the bed next to nadj.  she stood up and started meowing the second i walked in the door.  nadj was making a terrible gasping / hissing noise which confused me.  i went to look at her and she was laying there limply, making that terrible noise.  i ran to get the cat carrier, yelling to the kids to put their shoes back on.  i quickly lifted nadj's limp, but warm body and set her on the towel in the box.  i called eric quickly asking him how far away he was and he said he would run right to the vet and meet us there.  it was xmas eve and i wasn't even sure if the vet would be open, but i went anyway, and we ran inside, i was crying and told them nadj was dying!  they took her right back and started taking care of her.  i sat in the waiting room crying, the kids sitting on either side of me not knowing what to do.  the tech came out and said they were giving her oxygen and trying to get her stable enough to transport to an emergency facility.  but by the time eric got there, the vet came out and said there wasn't anything she could do.  she was tearing up while telling us what she had tried and how nadj must have had a clot or something, but her lungs were full of fluid.  i asked if we could see her, so they went back and wrapped her up and brought her into a room for us.  i picked her up, hugged her, kissed her and cried.  the kids each petted her some.  then eric went and made arrangements for her, and then he and the kids left for a little bit.
nadj was my friend.  i was sad when pawpi died, 3 years ago, in december as well.  but nadj is different.  she and i were good friends, i loved her very much.  she was always there for me and went through so many tough times with me and was always there giving me purrs and cuddles.  these past two days have been strange, there is no one to chase me as i head into the bathroom, there is no one sitting on the bathmat while i take a shower.  eric offered, but its not the same.  no one walks all over me as i am falling asleep, or purrs in my face as i am trying to sleep in.  seamus mccat is alone, too.  she came up on the bed to sleep only for a little bit, but she has to know what happened, since she was there with her friend.  but now nadj is with pawpi. 

Nadjalene and Seamus Mccat Dec 23.

its no surprise

that i can be a little obsessive.
so i never really realized it until i had this tumor thing and i was actually diagnosed with the OCD that i have the OCD.  i'm not a hand washing maniac, and i don't have to lick the doorknob 3 times before leaving the house (although i did tell an old boss of mine that the reason i was sick was because i had been licking the door knobs) but anyway, OCD.  when i told the doctor i was obsessed with the Famous Amos cookies in the vending machine at work, she asked if they would speak me, if i would get stuck on them and not be able to move on.  dude, i'm not crazy!  just once we make eye contact, they must be consumed otherwise it is all i can think about (same with the pop tarts).  the doctor says this is not a psychosis, and that she can't give me anything to help with that.  maybe  i should tell her amos himself appears in my office and starts offering those cookies to me!
this obsessiveness totally made sense, like in college when in one of my classes all i did was make calendars.  pages and pages and pages of calendars.  3x a week, every week for a semester, class would start and calendar making would begin.  i wish i had those notebooks. real weird.  or maybe my love of dimes as a younger kid was an example, too?  i loved those dimes.  they were small and shiny and the perfect size.  i do think they are still my favorite coin, but i just don't horde them as i had in the past.  too bad, because maybe then i would be rich.
but now i have the internet.  ah, the internet.  and something i am often asked is "how do you even find this stuff?"  well, if it is on the internet, i will find it.  some of the stuff i find is totally obscure and wtf, then other stuff is just stuff.
like this video. it is just stuff i found.
i love my surgeon.  LOVE him.  i go back to see him in a few weeks and if everything comes out clean, i think my next appointment won't be for a whole year!  which is great! but sad too because he is awesome.  but even sadder (?) is if after that whole year, that scan comes back clean, i might not even get to see him at that appointment!  that's how it works.  no need to see the surgeon if there is nothing for him to surgery upon. 



then there is other stuff i find, like this photo which falls more into the WTF category:

Bike MS

this past weekend i joined a group of girls for Bike MS Washington.  What a fun weekend!!  Dana puts the team together every year and last year i thought about joining, i thought it might be a good goal to work towards after surgery and such.  but with the ride being in september and radiation ending in september and the sheer exhaustion that came with it, plus my lack of time on the bike, i just couldn't do it.
but this year i decided to make the leap and i am SO happy that i did.
most of the girls on the team are from LUNA chix either past or current, two of the girls i know from swimming with them, and then there was one dude.  but no matter how you sliced the group - it was a great group.
dana and karoline organized a super fun fundraising event at the Dilettante Cafe in late august.  Dilettante was a big sponsor of the team which allowed us to have these fantastic matching jerseys!  plus they gave us some of their fabulous chocolates to hand out!  who doesn't love that!  having matching jerseys made the event that much more fun.  dana also gave us each some great socks with bikes on them, which was super fitting, seeing as we are team Sock it to MS.

2 days before the event, i had not yet met my individual fundraising minimum, so i posted on facebook.  i couldn't believe the immediate response i got from so many friends!  some i hadn't spoken to (even over FB) in years.  i was overwhelmed with their generosity and touched by their stories and how MS has affected them.  because of them, not only did i exceed my personal fundraising minimum, but they helped our entire team get within spitting distance of our overall goal of $10k!
with my fundraising met, all i had to do was be ready to ride!  for some reason i was quite anxious about the logistics of this event, almost more so than any recent races.  i don't know why.
saturday morning we woke up super early and drove up to the skaggit valley fairgrounds for the start.  we met up with all the other girls, put on our jerseys, complained about the rain an headed out.  day one had four distance options - 22 miles, 59 miles,  80 and 97 miles.  we were originally all planning on 59 since we all wanted to cross Deception Pass, but with the rain, we decided we'd play it by ear.  Next thing we knew we were at the first rest stop (and witnessed a rider smoking??  who does that?) and things were drying up and there were some breaks in the clouds!  We made it out to Deception Pass (Deception Pass is a strait separating Whidbey Island from Fidalgo Island, in the northwest part of the U.S. state of Washington. It connects Skagit Bay, part of Puget Sound, with the Strait of Juan de Fuca.) and it was amazing!!  we stopped for a group photo before heading over the bridge.  there was a low lying cloud that you can sort of see behind us, the water was a crazy blue, and we were very, very high above the water.

 

we had lunch on the other side of the bridge, then headed back across the bridge and back towards Mt Vernon.  going on on the day's ride, i was pretty sure that the day's mileage was the furthest i had ridden since i was training for my 2nd 1/2 ironman in 2009.  yeah, i don't tend to go on very long bike ride.  

 with about 20 miles to go, we picked up the pace and finished the day strong.  when we got back to mt vernon, we went straight to the car and changed our clothes then headed to the beer garden.  i am still not drinking the beers but i was parched!!  i got the most amazing strawberry popsicle from the guy giving away ice cream treats, which was extra fun since he had been at my company's summer picnic the day before giving away ice cream treats!  he couldn't remember what i had asked for then, but that was ok, he was super cute anyway!  i also got a quick massage, but only after chatting it up with a civil engineer from olympia who finally explained to me in actual definitions the difference between a freeway, a highway and city streets.  now i know!  AND he paid for my massage, too!  but said i would have to do the longer route the following day when i was planning on the shorter.
we stayed for the presentations in the beer garden, learned about the MS Society, the results of all the fundraising, some inspiring stories and soem rah rah hiss boom bah type of stuff.
back by our home base where a few of our peeps were camping, we met another group of riders and spent the next hour or so chatting about the day, cycling, the summer and whatever else.
by 10pm i was exhausted.  it felt like 1 or 2 am, and i fell into bed and right asleep!
i woke up a little before my alarm, a bit sad that it was right as i was about to meet Alyssa Milano and Christina Milian, but i was excited to be up and heading out to start the day.

day two started with fog but no rain!  hooray! the entire group rolled out together.  this day there were two distance options:  52 and 72.  i was feeling pretty good and after some prodding from leslie and allison, i decided that i'd join in for 72.  and i am sooooo glad i did!  we headed north up to bellingham and along chuckanut drive.  WOW.  that is almost all i can say about that.  the road was smooth, and rolling and fast.  the views were AMAZING.  AMAZING!  must say it that 2nd time.  the entire day was amazing and beautiful.  it was one of those days that is perfect and reminded me of one of the guys in one of the brain tumor groups i belong to.  he is always using the expression Life is Good.   I am lucky and grateful to be healthy, to have a loving family, and to have supportive, smart, funny friends.  and yes, sunday was one of those days that reaffirms that Life is indeed Good.

things that happened

summer is almost over.  so sad!  the days are getting shorter, a little bit cooler and much rainier.  the rain makes it seem cooler than it really is i guess, its still in the 70s and 80s, which is nice.  i don't want it to end!  and i dont' want the kids to go back to school either!  its been a fun time with them this summer, without having to deal with homework and biography projects and heritage projects and who knows what else.  what will 4th grade bring?  yikes!
i did the iron girl triahlon a few weekends ago.  i signed up for this not really realizing that it was the old danskin tri.  i did the danskin twice before, once as a relay with my mom and sister in 2008 and then once solo in 2006.  bot experiences were good, but man, i totally forgot about the logistics involved with the race.
this year was somewhat better than in years past, in that you could pick up your race packet at the same location where you had to rack your bike the night before.  previous years it was a complete cluster, driving back and forth all over seattle and bellevue!!  and honestly i don't mind the bike racking the night before. but race morning, they said no parking in the neighborhoods so you had to park at safeco field and take shuttle to the race site.  this is a bit of a pain.  especially since they then charged $10 to park at safeco!  but i did it, because that is what the rules said to do.  it was fine, whatever, no biggie, but whatever.  it was still dark when i got there, some nice group health ladies pumped up my tires, i hit the honey buckets, went for a really quick warm up run then put on my wetsuit and waited the hour, yes, the entire 60 minutes from when they kicked everyone out of transition until the start of my race.  the swim was good, actually somewhat enjoyable.  i don't hate swimming.  really i don't.  i just dont want to do it.  the bike was good and fast!  happy with my effort and happy with my time.  and the run was interesting.  i was a bit disappointed when i saw my finish time and pace in results, but turns out the course was measured .2 miles long, or somethign like that.  so take that into account and my pace was better.  i came in 6th in my ag and 32nd overall.  not too bad!
after i joined the rest of the LUNA chix at the hill on the run to cheer on the rest of the racers!

heading to the cheer station post race!

LUNA ladies all decked out for some cheering!

i was able to re-purpose my hair from the warrior dash! and to think i wasn't sure i'd ever get to wear it again!

 the following wednesday was Swim for Life.  this is a 2.5 mile swim across lake washington benefitting the Puget Sound Blood Center.  I have done this swim twice before.  the first time in 2010 as part of team We don't do fly, we ARE fly, i was terrified 

because it was windy and choppy and i wasn't sure i would ever be able to swim so far!  but i did it!  i was never so happy to see milfoil as we approached the madison park beach!

janet posted this photo from that day on my facebook page the day i was having my surgery with this caption " Once you get through the rough waters there are smiles and hugs waiting for you!"  makes me tear up even now!

the 2nd time was in 2011 which was warmer and flatter and beautiful!  and as a special treat, eric was our kayaker!!

i missed 2012, and when i was asked to join the team this year i was like, uh, i haven't been swimming very much yet, uh, not sure about that, but with the encouragment from janet and lauren and glen and then the promise of having clem as our kayaker, i said, what the heck, why not.  turned out to be a beautiful morning and a fantastic swim.  i never had a more delicious clif shot than the one i had out in the middle of the lake that day!!

The Recommitments 2013 - tough guys

big group of swimmers from Samena where i used to swim with the master's group

beefcake photo with mat and clem

kisses for the mrs. 

i passed out after all of that smooching!!

 then i went home and fell asleep. it was such a beautiful day and i hated wasting it on a nap, but it was needed!  i love that swim, i hope to do it again next year, although glen and i joked the entire time about who would get to be the kayaker, the idea that we would all just go kayaking instead did come about!

XTERRA

let's do a little re-cap.
i raced the see jane run 1/2 marathon a few weeks back.  this was kind of a big deal for me.  i PRed!!  by like 5 minutes!!  but this was also sort of a test.  if you re-call, this was the first race i did after my surgery.  it was about 2 months after finding out about the tumor and having a craniotomy to remove it.  can you tell how happy i was to be running?  THAT run was a big deal!  i went from bonking on a 4 mile walk a week before surgery, to getting horribly sick from a 100 yd walk around the unit at the hospital, to being able to finish a 5k running.  It wasn't fast but I was thrilled.

the following weekend, right before starting radiation, i did another 5k - 6 minutes faster than the previous one!  i was on fire and nothing was going to stop me.
so my goal for recovery was to race the XTERRA Black Diamond.  Since we missed the ITU World Championships because of the surgery, I had decided that Black Diamond would be my world championships.  luckily they offered a 1/2 distance!  so about 2.5 months after surgery and with about a week or two of radiation treatments in me, i was feeling good and ready to race.  and boy did i!!  i was 2nd woman overall in the 1/2 distance and i was on top of the world!!  radiation eventually took its toll but i was still able to get in another 2 triathlons and another 5k and an ohio trail run race before another surgery on my big old head the week after thanksgiving.  this surgery was much easier, just to take the metal plates out.  it was a quick overnight stay and i was back at work on monday and then on the road to recovery again.  fast forward through some brains leaking out doing yoga and no swimming or bike helmet wearing and a buzz cut and you get to the wenatchee 1/2 marathon in april - 37 seconds shy of my pre-surgery PR.  WOW!!  how was it even possible?  my doctors even said they were impressed with my progress, amazed that the bit of tumor they left in there was no longer visible on the MRIs and all of my blood work was coming back normal.  was it the running? was it the lack of swimming?  what was it??
one year after that first post surgery 5k, i went back to See Jane Run, but this time for the 1/2 marathon.  and THAT is where i got my 5 minute PR.  and i even think i could pull a few minutes off of that one.  give me until next year and Jane will have no idea what hit her!
that brings me to this past weekend.  XTERRA Black Diamond.
I have done this race 5 times before.  FIVE TIMES:
2008 - DNF
2009 - full distance
2010 - full distance
2011 - Relay
2012 - World Champhionships
and now 2013.
the fabulous Danelle Kabush was coming to the Seattle area to help the LUNA Chix with a clinic of some sort.  since the fabulous Danelle Kabush is an XTERRA racer, we decided that putting on an XTERRA Clinic and Pre-ride and then racing at an XTERRA would be a great idea!  Luckily, we had a perfect opportunity at the XTERRA Black Diamond.  Danelle flew in from the great nothern country of Canada on friday.  we were going to take a quick swim at the lake, seeing as i had only done one previous OWS, but we convinced each other that there was no need for that since it was raining and there was gelato and birthday cake oreos that needed to be eaten.  on saturday we hung out in the morning doing who knows what until it was time to head out to the clinic.

we had a great group of ladies!   some were first time triathletes, some were first time xterra racers, but all were there to have some fun and learn some great things about racing and pre-riding the course.  AND we raised a ton of money for the Breast Cancer Fund! Thanks to the great people of WeRaiseTheBar and XTERRA Black Diamond for your support of the clinic!
  on race morning, danelle and i woke up early and got to the race course first thing.  apparently not quite first thing enough as the parking lot was full and we had to park about 1/4 mile away at the school.  no big deal.  we set up transitions, i hit the bathrooms, danelle went on a short warm up ride, i went on a tiny run and then next thing we were being escorted out of transition and getting ready for the race talk.  after i was able to get my wetsuit on and take a stroke or two in the water before it was go time.  although i hadn't slept well all week and wasn't sure how the race was going to go, i wasn't nervous or scared, although very curious how this swim was going to go.

 turns out the swim went quite well.  i was swimmming uncharacteristically straight!  i was out of the water, not fast for the distance, but one of my fastest at this race (plus there was some talk that maybe the course was long)  i was off to a good start.  my calf did cramp up like crazy in T1 when i was putting on my shoes, but i just went with the flow and hoped for no more cramping.
i started out on the bike with my new strategy of not going all crazy at the start.  i was worried about getting caught behind people and not being able to pass, but turns out that my placing out of the water was perfect for this.  i did wind up passing about 20 people from the long course, and i don't know how many possibly from the short course, but i really didn't get tripped up behind anyone and was able to ride very well.  even in the super sketchy parts i was happy with my riding and only had to get off my bike twice in the super duper sketchy parts of the first part of the 2nd lap.  man my bike (meaning my bicycle) is awesome!!  my back was hurting some on the first lap, but i just tried to keep an eye on my posture on the bike and race as best i could.  it turned out to be my fastest bike leg on this course ever!!

matiecakes coming in from the bike - overall winner!

danelle looking (and being) fast on the run, overall woman winner

seamus at frog pond waiting for me to come through

 and then the run started.  goodness.  i was pretty good for about 10 minutes.  then i made it to 16 minutes, then i made it to 25 and then one full loop. 

up the hill the first time.  i actually look like i am running.  the next time through was not so glamorous

and then the wheels started to fall off the bus.  i started walking, and not just the up hills.  i didn't walk any of the downhills at least, but some of the flats were suffering.  i was drinking and pouring water over me every time i went by the aid station. then i hit the frog pond again and it wasnt getting any prettier. but luckily it was almost over!  

2nd time through frog pond, i twisted my ankle badly twice, and the zombie apocolypse was upon me.

i wound up crossing the line and never before have i gone straight to lie down.  almost, but not like this time.  i laid down right away.  i was so thirsty, while i was out there i was convinced i had developed diabetes insipidus, which can be a complication of the tumor and surgery and such, in which you have un controllable thirst and your kidneys no longer regulate water and your sodium levels get all crazy and it can be really bad.  but i didn't,  but those are the things i started to think about.  but i quickly was able to get up and drink two bottles of water.  i felt better but didn't feel much better until quite a while later after enjoying some of the delicious chili and then a giant snickerdoodle that they had at the race site.  oh and then the iced venti decaf americano on the drive home!  the run wasn't my fastest here, that was when i did the relay, but it was pretty close to my fastest when completing the entire course.

happy LUNA Chix after the race

the race was really fun, the entire weekend was really fun.  the ladies from the clinic all did exceptionally well, a few even made it onto the podium, but all should be very proud of what they accomplished!!
as for me, this was my personal best on this course.  it was only by a few seconds, but considering this past year, i am pretty darn happy!!  makes me want to race more!!!

and I will most definitely get that opportunity because - BECAUSE!!!  just a few days ago i was selected to race for the Oiselle Volee Running Team.  I am so excited to have this opportunity!!  being able to represent another women's brand with an exception product, representing exceptional values!  i'll be sporting the Oiselle singlet in running races moving forward, and you can already spot me in my Oiselle Bum Wrap or Roga shorts at any of the LUNA running workouts.  It is going to be a super fun year!!