a whole week!!!

holy crap!!  what a week!!!!
so last wednesday when i was nesting...  (the kids have done an amazing job of helping out and keeping things tidy!  they worked with grandma on a list of things for them to do every day to help out and it seems like it is working!  and no one has even asked me for their $5 yet!)
so last wedensday was a tough day.  i don't remember too much of it, lots of sleeping, lots of waiting.  anticipating "the aniceptic shower".  ya know. every day stuff.
my mom came to visit because she was going to stay with the kids and take them to school and stuff and later in the evening janet an lavonne came to visit.  i was so happy to see them and spend some time chatting away.  it was nice to just hang out and relax and chat and enjoy their company.  they brought me some cupcakes and a triathlon charm from the LUNA girls and we just visited.  it was getting late, and i was tired and still needed to get some stuff done, so after a few hugs and more laughs, they headed out.

all week i was wondering what to do about the kids and this surgery.  we had told them on monday, so much so that on thursday when the crossing guard asked sirus on the way to school where daddy was he told her, oh mommy is having a squishy thing taken out of her brain today, so he is with her.  seamus had cried and cried when it was time for bed.. she was scared and nervous and when i laied there in her bed with her, we talked about how i would be under anesthesia.  she cried more and went on and on "oh mommy!  you are not going to like it at all!"  she knew since she had been under for her oral surgery not too long ago.  she eventually fell asleep, sweet baby girl that she is.
i took the shower!  akk, ok, it was really weird, the stuff smelled like ashes from an ash tray and i didn't feel clean after but i put on clean jammies and then set to work.
i had not tried to think too much about the surgery and what could happen.  other than all the waivers that told me i could die any minute, it didn't ever come up that this tumor thing could kill me.  so i opted to not think about it.  but i was going in for freaking brain surgery!  they were cutting open my HEAD and going to pluck some squishy thing right out of it!!  i had to face reality a little bit.  that night could have been the last time my kids ever got to see me.  i wrote them each a note for in their lunch and snack bags.  i could have gone on and on about how much i love them and how proud i am of them and the little people they are becoming, but at the same time, i'm like, dude, i don't want to be all doom and gloom and scare them and stuff and i didn't want to start crying because my head hurt already.  but it was hard, i just hope they always know i love them so much.
then i went to bed.  and laid there.  for hours.