radiation station part deux

someone posted this video of what its like to get radiation on your brains.

the machine i had was a little different and i wore a shirt (yikes!) so it was a little different, but definitely similar.

i got some of these

Shout, shout, let it all out

These are the things I can do without
i made a major life choice on sunday.  i retired.
not from work - wow!  i wish!!
but from training.

this was tough for me, and i spent most of the day crying over it.  for real.  tears.  crying.  a lot of that was tears of fear.

what?
things have been weird for a while.  i've been struggling to get back up to decent training volumes and even though i have had a few PRs since my surgery, training just hasn't been as much fun.
1) i don't want to get in the water.  the swimming i have been doing has been going really well, which has been surprising.  but i simply just don't want to do it.  and i really don't want to get in a lake or be cold.
2) i don't want to ride my bike outside.  i 've done a few mountain bike rides since the beginning of the year and they have been fun, but my coach was wanting me to get out on the road bike.  yeah right.  its been so damn cold and raining.  this saturday i was supposed to ride for 3 hours.  i laid in bed until noon waiting for it to start raining so i could have an excuse to not go outside.  the rain never came.  so i told my self i would at least ride to Top Pot Donuts and then re-access the situation from there.  so i got to the TPD and they DID NOT HAVE my harvest squash bread.  disaster.  so i ate two donuts instead.  and headed out for the remaining 2:20 of the ride.  the ride was fine, i went up hollywood hill and around, had a head wind the whole way back on the sammamish river trail, and then had to face the mile long climb back up onto the plateau.  it couldn't have been done any sooner than it was.  i really didn't enjoy the ride AT ALL.  i wanted eric to come pick me up.  i just didn't want to do it.  and i really didn't want to do the hour long swim i was supposed to do on that same day.  so i didn't.
3) my body has been deteriorating over the past two years.  is it hormone issues because of radiation damage after surgery?  is it because i am getting dangerously close to turning 40? whatever it is, my weight, body fat % and surface area covered by cellulite has increase drammatically, and i honestly hate to see myself in a swim suit, my running clothes, my cycling shorts.  all of it depresses me every single workout.
4) the past month and 1/2, i've been to NYC and Chicago.  I've been to the ER twice.  I'm sick now. I've been tired.  i've been stressed out.  its been raining and cold.  i haven't been sleeping well.
5) i set a goal to try to get a boston qualifying marathon time in April.  But when you look at #3 & 4, none of that was adding up to a decent marathon let alone a BQ marathon.
6) i want to grow my hair back out but wearing a swim cap hurts my head.  anyone read #1 above?





so what turned into a heart to heart with myself over whether to do the marathon or not turned into a whether to keep training or not.  every time i miss a workout i stress over "why have a coach if i'm not going to do the workouts"  and maybe that money would be better spent elsewhere.  every time i came home 10 minutes before the kids went to bed, or even after they were already in bed, and on those days when i didn't see them at all because i had a swim in the morning and some other workout in the evening, i felt the guilt of letting these precious years of my children's childhood slip away.  why?  so i could pursue my dream of being a middle of the pack triathlete? dont' get my wrong, if i had huge amounts of money and didn't have to work, i am pretty sure i would spend the hours while the kids were at school pursuing this dream in the sun and warmth that only the super rich have access too.

so i broke up with my coach and threw in the towel.

so what is scary about that?  let me count the ways:
1) i have been a "triathlete" for the past 8 years.  2014 would have been my 9th season.  i don't really know what i am other than a "triathlete" runner" cyclist" mountain biker."  its sorta my thing.  i don't really have anything else to identify with.
2)  all of my friends are "athlete" friends.  now what.
3) will my boyfriend Dan Hugo still love me if i am fat and slow?
4) i have no goals
5) my ego.  sigh.  lets just leave it at that.
6) so many things are more fun when you are fit. i always liked the idea that i could go out and run for 10 miles and be ok.  or go on a strenuous hike and not be winded from going up hill for so long.  or having the confidence that when the zombie apocalypse happens, i will have the strength and endurance to take care of my family in a disaster situation if needed? 
7) what is going to happen to my body?  am i going to get even more blobby?  will the cellulite travel all the way down to my shins and forearms?  my clothes are already uncomfortable.  is it going to just get worse?
8) and then these past two years i have spent a lot of both physical energy and mental energy trying to prove that this stupid brain tumor situation is no big deal, that i am super human, that i can over come everything and anything.  but yeah, i'm starting to admit, that maybe i'm not so super human.  its too much.  its starting to catch up to me.

but there are some good things.
1) not swimming, although i do hope to do Swim for Life again
2) registering and racing Beat the Blerch race in September because i won't have to worry about it fitting in any plan or messing with any training schedule
3) i am volunteering on sunday at the first Washington High School Mountain Bike League race of the season!  not having to train on the weekend, means i can do fun things like this and not worry about it!
4) having my saturday's open to go to every one of seamus's lacrosse games!  it is her first year playing lacrosse and her first time playing an organized team sport!
5) i can take the kids mountain biking and enjoy it without worrying about how i will get my own workout in.
6) when i do run or bike, i can go with friends because i won't have to try to convince them to do my plan.  i can just go with the flow
7) maybe i will finally join a 24 hr mountain bike team?

8) i can volunteer for the brain tumor organization that i talked about in the previous post.
9) i can wear high heels and not have to worry that my legs might cramp or be too tired later in the day on my run because of them
10) i can spend this first month's non-coaching payment on jeans that fit my new plumper ass.
11) and because i can turn it up to 11,  i can go out to our property that we are buying every weekend and pick up rocks or just lounge and never have to worry about where or how i will get my training in.  i can just enjoy it.

so there are lots of things.  and who knows.  maybe once the weather gets nice i will be inspired and get a little fire under my ass.  i am registered for Age Group National Championships in August after all.  i'm not going to give up my spot just yet, but i'm not going to worry about it either. 

its hard for some people

now that i am no longer on Team LUNA Chix, I have been wondering what I will do with my copious free time.  so i have decided to start volunteering for an organization that helps people with brain tumors and their families in all kinds of ways.  they help them with everythign from finding the right doctors, figuring out their finances, researching treatment options, etc.  they do all kinds of good work.  i figured, what they hey, i'll see what i can do for them.

in my volunteer interview they asked for my resume and then started going through a list of projects they would like help with.  she was trying to pick out the exciting and interesting projects and i stopped her right there.  i was like, whoa there honey!  i think all day long at work.  give me something easy!  sign me up for the monotonous stuff that none of you want to do but need to get done.

so today was my first day and my first job was to make copies!  this was all very exciting until she asked me how proficient i was with a copier.  what?  WHAT?  ugh.  i am so not proficient with a copier!!  i had to push this button and that button, select color, select one to two sided, select two to two sided, black and white, click 1, 8 copies of that, 9 of that, click save, click enter, scan, flip, scan, print!  omg, don't forget to add the staple!!  i had to have her run me through it like 5 times, at which time i almost told her about my first job in seattle after college when i worked at the limited and could not FOR THE LIFE OF ME figure out the cash register!!  they put me at the register because i wasn't friendly enough to be out on the floor, but for some reason it was so complicated!  it was not intuitive at all.  there i was with my rediculously expensive fancy east coast college degree and i had an 18 yr old telling me "it's ok, its hard for some people." AND IT WAS HARD FOR ME!!!  after a few weeks they put me "on call" and then never called me.

luckily, after about the 4th time through how to use the copier, and me saying oh dear, yikes, and oh no a bunch of times, she did kind of joke - oh i hope this isn't hurting your brain tumor!, but omg, i was fighting back the PTSD of the Limited nightmare of 1996!!

but i copied and collated for an hour, only messing up twice!!  then i stuffed envelopes, and shredded documents.  yeah, that went well until i broke the shredder mid-shred.  it just stopped.  it wasn't jammed, i told her i think maybe it was over heated.  i had already emptied the shreds twice and made a mess all over the office, so i asked if there was a vacuum and went ahead and vacuumed the whole office.

and then i left.  and i will be back next week!!

when the going gets tough

id like to post some photos, but the bloggers are being troublesome with that.

in other news....

my health.  oh where should we start?  i have been on medication for a long time for the OCD and the anxiety.  good stuff right?  yes, it is, but it makes me fat.  ok, the ice cream and other crap helps, but the medications, while helping me to be a normal, contributing member of society, also make me fat.

i have finally convinced my doctor to switch the medications.  this involved a 6 week ramp down of the medication i was on with a corresponding 6 week ramp of of the new medication.  all happening at the same time.

the first week of taking both i felt awesome!!  i felt pretty good the entire time actually.  but when i was in NY for the SUPER BOWL, right when i came back was when i was totally off the old and only on the new and the drama began.  it started with a weird sensation in my hands.  like i was getting a mild electrocution.  not a big deal, only mildly concerning.  after a few days i emailed my doctor.  she said that could be normal.  after a few more days of this, i went for an hour swim and then an hour run on the treadmill at the gym.  the entire time i was having these electrocutions and by then they had moved from just my hands, to my face, head, upper torso and lower legs.  other than the weird sensation, i felt fine while running.  but after - not so fine.  i got in the shower, but then i was that naked lady sitting on the bench with her head between her knees trying to not pass out.  i texted eric saying i was going to be late coming home because there was no way i could drive in my current state.  i rested and relaxed and felt like ass.  i eventually managed to get dressed and managed to buy a $4 odwalla juice from the front desk.  i felt like crap.

friday i took it easy and then saturday went on another run... 9 miles with eric and sirus on his bike.  it went really well and i felt great, so after we decided to go out about the town.  seamus was off with grandma for a fancy birthday weekend at the fairmont hotel !! so it was just the three of us.  while we were out though, i got really sick.  i had to ask eric to take me home.  i was super dizzy, the room was spinning and i was going to puke... so i laid in bed for i don't know how long when i decided that my bring tumor came back and i just started to freak out.  so i called the neuroscience institute and my endocrinologist called me back.  she said that although she could not guarantee that my tumor did not come back, she said it was highly un likely that the symptoms i was having were mostly likely from the change in medication and that i should just wait it out a bit.  i should be ok, but she told me to lay off the exercising since that seemed to make it worse. she also wanted to have my thyroid levels checked.  so it did.  and i cried and was super frustrated and a big mess.air
tuesday i went to chicago for work.   air travel was interesting though, and i managed to get sick in the taxi, so sick that i had to ask the driver to pull over on the side of the freeway during rush hour.  i came home wednesday.

 i was just getting worse and worse, more dizzy, more intense electrical shocks, more spinning.  so thursday i felt like such terrible crap that i came home from work early and asked eric to take me to the ER.  they didn't do too much, took some more blood, basically agreed with what everyone else said.  told me to stop taking the new medicine and start taking the old medicine again and sent my nauseated spinning ass home, but not before i managed to grab a handful of the best barf bags ever.

and wow, the switch in medication did the trick.  friday i was feeling better, saturday i felt totally back to normal.  no spinning, no dizzy, no nausea, no shocks.  i was able to sleep at night, i felt fine after running.  it was awesome!!!  yahoo!!  i was getting back to normal after almost 3 weeks of feeling terrible!!

this week, with a newly restored outlook, i was getting ready to go to LA for work on thursday.  but then, wednesday around 3pm my stomach started to hurt.  i was like ugh, super uncomfortable.  thought my pants were too tight.  that has been an issue in the past - too tight, give me a headache, have to change my pants in order to get through the day.  but it was late in the day already, i could power through it.  but i did leave a little early and went home, but not without first unbuttoning my pants in the car.  gah!  it wasn't helping!!

so i got home and crawled in bed.  i took an aleeve and asked eric to start researching menstrual cramps.  he brought me a hot water bottle and i used my Super Bowl hand warmers on my belly.  i took a hot shower,  none of it was working, just getting worse and i was going to puke every time i stood up!

so i called the nurse hotline and they said come on in!  so we called up mattiecakes and thankfully he was able to come over and watch the kids.  they were already in bed, so it wasn't tough for him, but we were awfully appreciative.  and then back to Issaquah.  i grabbed another barf bag on the way in!  the nurse was one i had before back in 2012, the lady giving the IV was awesome, she did a great job, didn't hurt a bit!  and the doctor was one I hadn't ever had before.   he was very funny and reminded me of Chow from The Hangover (you know the actor who plays chow is a doctor right?  for real!).  he ordered a CT scan, they asked me lots of questions, they made me drink this terrible lidocaine sludge.  (just read that lidocaine is flammable!) but i have never in my life been reverted back to being 3 years old - NO! NO! NO!  I won't do it!  You can't make me!!  CRY CRY CRY!!  ok, not really but that is what i was on the verge of while i was trying to take it down.  i asked for some water to wash it down with and she said no - it needed to make its way down slowly so it would numb everything.  oh it was horrible!!!  after i drank it, she came back like 5 minutes later and asked why i still had that look on my face!  because not only was the horrible taste and sludge still sliding down my throat but now my mouth was all numb, too!  anyway, it made me feel better. 

the ct scan came back ok, although i have an enlarged appendix!  not sure what that means, but have to be on the lookout for future abdominal pain - could be an appendicitis waiting to happen.  or not.  i've been on the verge of an appendicitis since i was 9.  maybe one of these days!

but they think its probably just gastritis due to my over use of Aleeve.  nice. 

so i missed out on the work trip to LA (and team building indoor skydiving!) i missed a day at work but managed to work friday from home.  i missed yet MORE workouts. 

but i don't have heart disease, i don't have a tumor reccurrance, i don't have thyroid issues (quite yet), i don't have an appendicitis (at the moment).

did i mention that it was like 60 degrees and sunny on friday!!!  it was like SUMMER!!